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Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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