ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude