we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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