hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.