I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
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gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
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You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.