There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?