she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.