Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.