The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
