Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
3 2 1 whiskey
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
