the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish i was in the wii world.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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