i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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