I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
