someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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