Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
