so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
