As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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