My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
