Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
