Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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