I wish I could punch you in the face.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
