I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
