I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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