ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
