I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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