Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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