DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
