My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.