I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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