Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
