I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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