I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
this hospital has no fireball
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
