What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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