someone threw a dead crab at me
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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