I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
