i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
