got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
