i don't like sucking hair
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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