I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
