i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
