remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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