grandma shit on top of the toilet
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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