Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
