found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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