why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Im part way to drunk.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
