She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
