I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
