my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
