If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
