1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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