Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
