Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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