When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
