So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
