I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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