I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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