I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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