lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
