sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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