I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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