Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize