Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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