Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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